those who tell the truth shall die

■ miss u

 

nth really special, but juz want to leave few words,

i miss u, i really miss u.
want to hold u in my arms now.

dun be dat sentimental like me… we both r fragile. i dun wanna c u unhappy, its hurt. i juz want u 2 enjoy every moment with me. k? forget bout the past when i got it through and left it all behind already… im only absent-minded dat didnt put it away. n u r the only one inside my heart rite now, i will shut the door, wont allow any1 to enter except u. N u got the key already. [ the circle of trust ]

longing for the trip to cebu after the exams.

howl. 

 

■ life is full of rage?

 

dreams r full of rage these weeks. or i juz supressed my feelings n thought too much. I made it, rite? sometimes, hard to find peers to talk with. i mean, im so so not sure if they understand what im trying to convey, talk, express. i dun think i have reali weird thoughts, but not many ppl or peers think like this ( in my pt of view ). so these years, i kinda shut down all the communication ways, i mean, i seldomly talk to friends. n also, due to my “strange personality”, i hate talking a lot, so, hard to open my mouth. also, if i talk, i was bullshitting sumhow. i dun really say about my real own thoughts in fact. sometimes, i found difficulties in communicating with others. hard to understand ppl, n ppl do not understand me as well. i dunno what they r thinking coz i got no clue in how they think. when 2 ppl cant connect, cant communicate, cant exchange ideas, n the worst is, lead to misunstanding… so, i always say dat, i hate talking, making friends, coz when stuffs involved 3rd parties, eth is not under control. im so afraid of these kind of things…anyways, teenagers nowadays r jz so WEIRD… u can neva track down how they think… *weird but normal*

so, rite, i shut down all the communication ways, how to release the pain, anger? i really dunno… so, it all happened (released ) in my dreams. like hitting/ punching others, keep shouting or bi li ba lah in my dreams. i didnt grind my teeth in sleep before, but now i do… n in fact, i did punch, not really  punch, but push the one who slept next to me as well, hit the bed. turn out is dat, i found myself really not satisfry with the things surround me… n also, im really quite violent. haaa… i dun have the ability to change the world, but i hope dat i find the way to change my living later on. I M SO NEED OF SECURITY!

not really wanna talk bout any specific things, but juz, wanna type  an entry coz, im fed up with my notes. cant concertrate…  

btw, i like the marks u made on my body, i mean, the marks dat u bit on my arms. i can feel u when i touch it. n remind me the time we spent together  

love u~ 

 

■ Howl = Nicole ?!

 

自從四月睇完 howl's moving castle 之後, Howl 走左入我個心, cant fade away. I dunno if im totally into Howl, or Im juz too similiar to Howl, dat's why, Howl, live inside my heart… watever, i juz wanna talk about this character, Howl, deeper this time.

Howl, to me, he is kinda narcissistic, 自戀, 自由自在, 好注重外表亦好靚仔. he is juz like a prince to me. 有一幕, Howl 染頭髮, 柒錯左顏色, 係度鬧蘇菲, 最後個人溶左…講左一句, 唔靚, 咁人生仲有咩意義… 但其實, he is so weak inside. Howl 係片既大部份時間都被我一個好想逃避問題, 好懦弱既感覺我. Howl 好想用自己華麗, 冷漠既性格, 高超既法術去掩飾自己既弱點. Like the castle is full of magical tools, to surround himself, not to be found by the Country n witch. The way he treats Sofie is kinda cold to me at the beginning, trying not to reveal himself so much in front of ppl. There is a scene dat, Howl asked Sofie to stay in his room, to company him, not to leave him. I can totally feel dat how he scares of the worlld, the country n witch. This scene touches me so much. 最後, Howl 對蘇菲慢慢有愛既感覺, 佢開始願意同Sofie 接觸, 之後, 仲帶Sofie 入佢最內心深處. 由害怕, 變了愛, 願意去接受, 打開自己既心, 我覺得係好難. It can take a very long time to do this. 然而 Howl 有高超既魔法係因為佢用自己既心同卡西火換番黎. 無左自己既心, 究竟仲有咩意義? 因為愛, Howl 變得堅強, 去打仗, 去保護自己所愛既人…

The world is full of Love?
The world is full of Hatred?
The world is full of hopes or hopeless?
Love, is dat so powerful? i realli realli doubt it.
But, when there is no hopes, how ppl live still?

其 實我話自己好似 Howl, 我真係好似, 但係仲有好多好多既人都好似. 害怕世界, 害怕被人傷害, 害怕失望, 所以變得冷漠. 為左掩飾自己, 唔想做弱者, 就唯有靠外表不斷去遮蓋自己既脆弱,懦弱,無信心. asking the one I care, I love to stay with me, I dun want to be alone. I need support from others. N, I need protection so much. How to survive in the hopeless world? Dun wanna disappointed by anything anymore, including myself. Tired of this world, this kind of world n environment. Drive me crazy. However, I became strong when I finalli found da one I love. To be the best dat i can, the stronger i can. Trying to make things work. But one thing, trying to keep myself on the rite track, not to lose myself when striving for my goals. Dun wanna be a bad guy at last.

Howl, bring us closer.  

 

■ 我有今日

 

直到一天　共你相見　
被我知你從上次 開始接觸 便已就似觸電　
猶如得到　星光的加冕
我沒被討厭　多得有你　我終於有這天
多麼憎我太慢才識你 我更加不想勉強地去親你
是妳喜歡我　當然都愛妳
和她不敢再比　仍舊答謝妳 有你的眷戀　
令我也有了生氣

終於得到了被愛 無論興不興奮當天已不在
願你終於變了一生最愛 連我悲觀也改　
沒有舊人存在　放心給妳愛
做人或者　不必要得到最想
如果為快樂設想　就祝福我倆

inspired by my sleepy bobo, den i put it in here to express my luv for u~

though i have certain confidence in getting u before,
still im doubt in myself, n neva thought dat i can really get along with u,
but finally, it happened.

i like spending time with u, no matter what we do, i juz enjoy every moment w/u…
n im a dull guy in fact, hope dat i didnt bore u

love ya. xxx

 

■ luv and the future

 

yes, some1 may juz dun believe in what i said, but whatever, i dun care.
n im true to myself now.

in fact, everytime i started a new relationship, i wanna c it as the last one.
i mean it. im someone who tired to adapt n to change.
its difficult for me to change the living pattern.
its hard for me to build up trustiness relationship as well.
to build up such a relationship, it takes a really long time, at least, for me.
n im the one who usually shut the mouth up, n dun talk bout personal feeling+thinking as well.
dat's it takes me courage n time to build up a new relationship.

after few relationships, i jz finally realize what i really want n need.
im trying to find someone who fit it in the most but dat's hard.
i hope i did find one already… honestly.
i tried my v best to put aside my fear and selfishness, to put trust in u.
though sumtimes, i easily get jealous bout things.

i dun spend time, or i hate spending time in searching, spotting, whatever.
n i know, sumhow, im too young to talk these things, n im not sure bout future.
im really willing to compromise and commit.i jz wanna settle down with u later on.

i mean it, juz pls, believe in me as well.
luv ya.